On My Heart: School Counseling

[photo from the #RedforEd march in Raleigh, you can read about that here] 

It's time to head back to school.  After a summer full of sunshine and rest I feel ready to go back to school. I am excited to get into my office and decorate.  I am mentally prepared to check my school email, crack open my brand new planner and go. 

People often ask me what I do.  When I respond that I am a school counselor, they nod having a vague understanding of what a counselor might do in a high school setting.  Then I tell them I am at an elementary school and the look of confusion comes across their face.  I can tell they are thinking "why in the world does an elementary school need a counselor?" The bold who are very confused even ask again "so what do you do in an elementary school?"  I know this comes from a good hearted place but sometimes its difficult for me to explain because I value my job so much and often times feel like I am coming across as defensive.  I am so passionate about my students and more importantly needed in an elementary school.

So what is it that I do?

I teach kids about their emotions, social skills, and how to solve conflict appropriately.  Elementary ages students are not immune to dark and sensitive topics but they are the most vulnerable and sometimes don't know how to process what is going on in their little world.  My job is there to help them come to some sort of understanding within themselves - yes often times it's through play because at the age of 5 - 10 play is their language. 

In an age where mental health is starting to be talked about but still a stigma at the same time - my job is much more important that you can imagine.  I am so busy all day every day.  There are 2 counselors and a social worker in my building serving over 850 students and their families and still there are not enough hours in a day or people to help with everything we have going on. 

Think about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.  No one knew.  The world was shocked by their completed suicides.  I read an article where they explained it so well - we all knew when Selena Gomez underwent her surgery for her health issues or any other celebrity who announced their cancer / health issues / etc.  No one talked about depression and anxiety.  Everyone was surprised that the happiest funniest person Robin Williams was struggling with depression...

And yes, even at the elementary age I have to deal with suicidal thoughts and sometimes behaviors.  We have a lot of suicide assessments and help kids process those emotions and come up with a safe way to express them. Early intervention and education might just combat the fact that adults feel like they have to hide and have no where to turn. 

An 8 year old has a fight with a friend and is upset about it so they will write me a note saying they want to talk and process a problem.  They are open to counseling and discussing the difficult times. We are breaking the stigma in an elementary school.  It is crucial that we give our kids space to be themselves, the good and the sometimes very tough and sad.

I do so much more than mental health in my role at the school.  I wear many many hats.  But the most important thing that I have learned is that kids absorb everything.  They hear and they know everything that is going on around them.  Yes, parents, you may think you were being quiet or not seen but you were. Those little eyes and ears know more than you think.  They have feelings, and worries, and get scared when they witness something they don't understand. When adults brush it off and act like they are "just kids" and have no idea whats going on it hurts because they do and they just need their loved ones to talk to them in a way that their brains can understand and process it. You shouldn't treat your kids like adults either and share everything with them the way you would share with a best friend.  But be mindful - little ones are around so they will be affected in someway or another by what is said or done in your home.

So yes I am a school counselor.  Yes I am at an elementary school.  Yes I am busy all day long and deal with more than you can even imagine.  I know that I am serving a purpose where I am.  I believe in my students.  I am helping lay the foundation of successful citizens of this world who will have empathy and process their emotions safely without being afraid to seek help.  I am bringing the light of Christ into sometimes very dark places.  I love my job even though some people don't understand.  It's okay because I know that it is important and I am making a small difference in this world.

Easter Is Like Coming Home

Location: St. Peters Catholic Church - Charlotte, NC

I love Christmas don't get me wrong.  All the fun and festivities in the fall and winter will always have a special place in my heart.  Yet, this year I think Easter is finding a special place in my heart.  The weather is warming up, the sun shining, and those Carolina blue skies.

All lent I was reflecting on what I can do to point myself toward God.  I leaned into him and learned to trust a little bit more. Then we entered into holy week and spring break for me. I felt this stirring in my heart as I was at mass on Holy Thursday, I felt like I was home.  It was so fitting for this holy week because this is the time of year when others come into the church and find their home as well. Even though I have been confirmed since high school - I had this sense that I was finally entering into the church as well. Solidarity, sisters.

My whole faith story is a long long tale for a different day.  But long story short, I have been searching and trying to find my own way in the church, my own community, my home.  Not living in my youth group days or parents shadow at the parish I grew up in.

The church I found has been so much for me.  It is a center city Jesuit church which speaks to my service heart in so many ways.  I have joined a bible study and found community with the young adult group there.  It is so different in many ways from the church I grew up in.  And yet, as Catholic is universal, it is the same. Home.

To all those who found new life in the church this weekend, welcome and congratulations. Happy Easter. He is Risen indeed and His mercies are new every morning. 

Creating Intentional Routines for Self Care

Journaling Bible

As humans we like routine, we crave rituals.  They make us feel safe because we know what is coming next.  Routines have a calming effect.  That is why it is so important to set up intentional routines.  A lot of people struggle to have a work / life balance or get anxiety and have a tough time navigating the world.  Life is hard y'all.  It is okay to set up boundaries, put yourself first, and practice good self care.

I love self care. We actually had an about you questionnaire at work for secret Santa gifts and I literally put self care as my hobby.  But hear me out.  Self care should always be 3 fold.  Something for your body, your mind, and your heart.  It can be 3 separate things or one thing that fuels all 3 aspects of your being.

For me, my self care is having routines that include self care practices.  Working out and eating healthy my body.  Reading fuels my mind.  Spending time journaling and reading the Word fill my heart.

I start my day, every single day, with a cup of coffee and reading the bible.  I intentionally wake up a little bit earlier so I can have purposeful time to get this accomplished.  It has become habitual so much so that if I miss a morning my day feels thrown. When I get home the first thing I do before anything else is get my workout in and walk my pup.  It's like I am physically moving and de-stressing from the day.

It was so important to me to create a life around my self care practices so that I feel healthy and happy in all that I do.  It takes time to put simple changes into long term lifestyle routines, but we make time for what we care for.

What is important to you? What fills your cup?  How can you switch some things up to be very intentional to create self care routines for yourself? 

Home Decor + Patience & Self Control

Anyone else ever look on Pinterest or browse through home decor and organization ideas then just magically your house looks like that overnight? Yeah, me neither.  Wouldn't that be wonderful - if you pin something it just appears without you actually having to pay for it haha. This one click wonder of a world full of instant gratification at your fingertips makes it feel like that could be your reality.  We can like a picture on instagram and get all the shopping details for it sent to an app that you can shop directly from.  So useful and dangerous all at the same time, because we actually have to make a purchase.

Our brains are tricked into thinking that I want it and want it now is the only way to go. Credit cards hold no consequences in the moment it seems.  If our wants, which feel like needs, are not fufilled in a single moment then it eats at us and messes with our self worth.

On my editorial calendar for this month I wanted to show you all decor ideas and updates for this apartment.  That's definitely not the case friends and you know what; it's totally okay.  I am so happy with this apartment.  Yes, we still have a long way to go.  Organization puzzles to solve, some big purchases to make, and a couch would be nice so I am not hanging out in my living room on a beach chair anymore.

This apartment, for me, is different than all of my other moves I have made in the past.  With those places I wanted it to be perfectly decorated within a week of move in.  I used a lot of decor items that I have collected throughout the years.  In this place though looking at them all together it just feels so college and not cohesive at all.

So making this apartment a true home is teaching me about faith.  Specifically the fruits of the spirit: Patience and Self Control. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. - Galatians 5:22-23 

Truly good things don't happen over night.  I may have to sit on a beach chair for now.  Some items might not have perfectly organized homes yet.  My walls may be a little bit bare.  My feet might be cold on the bare floor in the bathroom.  But when I practice patience and a little bit of self control with my spending - I will be able to save up for the things that I dream will be in this space.  

Just like with our faith.  We might not get answers from prayers right away.  When we practice patience and self control - we trust that following Jesus is going to be so so worth it in the end.  

So little by little, I will continue to do the work in my apartment and in my life to stay true to this path that is laid before me.  

How is your every day life teaching you faith lessons today?

 

On Striving for Perfection

Today we are getting a little more raw and a lot more real here on Sweet Surrender.  I have been wrestling with the concept of perfection for a little while and wanted to share my journey and thoughts through this process. Comparison is a topic that is brought up in the blog world quite frequently and I wrote a post about that here. Perfection or wanting perfection is sometimes stemmed from comparison but in my case today it is coming from a variety of places.

I am a to- do list maker, people pleaser, rule follower, and strive for recognition that I am doing the right thing. Lately, striving to get it all done, to have my apartment be beautiful and pinterest worthy only a week after we moved in, to have the right clothes, hair, & make up, and to make all those around me happy, has had the opposite effect.  Reaching for perfection has made me miserable. It's exhausting.  It's also not worth it at all. In trying to do all the things I was actually losing myself, who I was, and what truly makes me happy.

Perfection isn't an attainable thing at all.  We all fall short.  We all make mistakes.  We all live very different lives and that's okay.  I am learning to accept myself.  I am learning to thrive in the imperfections.  Most of all God's grace is free flowing. If he can forgive me through it all, why can't I learn to forgive myself and give myself permission to slow down?

My apartment will take time to get organized and saving for a couch won't happen overnight.  Sometimes others aren't going to be thrilled at the decisions I make for myself and that's okay.  My wardrobe will take time to build. I have so much to be grateful for right now.  Wanting perfection will only bring misery.  Practicing gratitude brings joy.

Instead of striving for perfection I have created a new goal: strive for health and happiness.  When I am making healthy choices and decision that bring me joy I am my best self. We only get one life to live and I don't want to waste mine guilt tripping myself and creating unnecessary anxiety because perfection simply couldn't be reached.  I want to spend the time I have living my best life.

Have you had to shift your mindset when it comes to perfection? How has that changed your life for the better? 

Letter to My College Self

Dear College Amanda and all those heading to college at the end of summer,

It's been five years since you graduated undergrad and a full year now away from graduate school.  I have had some time to reflect on those times.  I have learned many lessons along the way.  While I don't regret anything because I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, there are definitely some things that I learned and wish I would have done differently.

Create a budget & stick to it.  Or better yet save money in an account that you block access from.  Paying off loans is no fun.  Plus once you graduate your car is going to break and you will have to buy a new one so add another monthly payment.  Rent anywhere else besides your college town is crazy expensive. Have fun but be mindful and disciplined with your money. I think this past year was the year that it really clicked for me, but I wish it were 7 years ago!

Go out with your friends.  Taco Tuesday.  Thursday night events.  Saturday afternoon adventures and tailgates.  Practice good time management and spend some daytime in the library to get your work done.  This is the time in your life that you will be closest to people.  Don't skip being around them, say yes to things with people.  The moments with friends will become your most cherished memories.

Learn to meal plan. Fast food is not your friend.  Prep food with some lovely fresh and healthy ingredients, your body will thank you.

Do what makes you happy. This lesson is the one I really wish I would have taken more advantage of.  I had a weird complex that I built up in college that revolved around other people and what they thought.  It's a difficult thing to break. I am still finding myself and what I love but I wish I would have jumped at more opportunities that my college campus offered that peaked my interest. Who knows if you try something that makes you happy and go alone you might meet some really great friends.

Be open. This is kind of a continuation of the previous.  Colleges are constantly having events and opportunities.  Go. Try something new.  Don't judge before you try.  These years are so formative, so be open to learning new things and trying something different.

Don't cling to people who don't bring positivity to your life.  I spent a lot of time on people who didn't serve me well.  I kept trying to make things work in various friendships and relationships and unfortunately suffered a lot from it.  I lost big pieces of myself in other people.  You will always find new people so don't be afraid to walk away from something that is bringing you down.

Go to church.  Better yet get involved with a campus Christian group.  Jesus is number one. Spend time with Him & like minded people.  Those will be the true friendships.

Journal. Writing is the one way that you truly figure out what you are thinking and feeling.  Invest in yourself.  Go to a fun coffee shop, bring your journal, sip a latte and reflect on this once in a life time experience.

Ask questions. This is your time to learn.  Don't be afraid to admit that you don't know something.  Try out various jobs and internships.  Learn learn learn and soak it all up.

Explore where you live.  Your college town is so much more than your campus.  There are actually people that live and work there year round.  They matter too.  Support local.  Learn about the towns history & people.  You will miss that life when you are gone.

Choose your girlfriends over that boy. Seriously.  He isn't worth it.  If you don't think you are good enough to ever find someone; stop that negative self talk right now!  You will find a fantastic guy.  BUT first you need to love yourself and spend time with your girls.  Boys will always come and go but if you choose them over your friends slowly the most cherished girlfriends will fade too.

Make sense of money. Do your research. Set some life and financial goals.  Remind yourself of those financial goals often, especially when debating spending some cash on something silly.  Invest in quality and your future.

Make the most of it. College is seriously unlike anything else. It's difficult and challenging sure but it's also so much fun.  Be brave. Take risks.  Be present and enjoy this special time in your life.

What would you tell your college self?

Monday Motivation

Location: Marco Island, Florida

Happy Monday sweet friends,

Mondays can be hard.  You have to wake up early to head back to work after a weekend of bliss.  But you got this.  Put on your make up,  fix your hair,  pour an extra large cup of coffee, and head out to face the world.

Working isn't the terrible thing that everyone makes it out to be.  You are in a career that you love and feel fufilled in. Some days are long and hard.  You are helping people see that they matter.

Every day is a learning experience.  You will be faced with challenges and choices.  What truly defines who you are is how you respond to them.  Trust in yourself.  Life isn't about thinking what other people will think about your decisions.  It's about trusting in the Lord and fulfilling your purpose. Do what makes you happy.  Sometimes that means going out of your comfort zone and pushing yourself to try new things.

Those experiences always turn out better than you expect.  Same with life.

So let's do this Monday, you got this.

What is your favorite way to start the week on a positive note?

Lenten Reflections | Holy Week

We have now come to Holy Week in the liturgical calendar.  This week is always such a mix of emotions for me.  Today, on Good Friday, we are reminded of what the true purpose of all this lenten preparation is for.  Jesus surrendering his own life for all of ours because of us.

Before I get to that, let's back track a little bit.

We kick off Holy Week with Palm Sunday.  Amazing how in one weeks time everything changes.  Life is like that too.  How something significant can happen in a moment and suddenly last week seems so distant and foreign.  Same thing with Jesus.  He was welcomed into the city.  He rode in on a donkey while people waved palm branches at him. A true ancient Jerusalem celebrity welcome. We read the passion gospel all together at mass.  The church plays the part of the crowd yelling "crucify him" I am always so humbled by those words.  My sin put Jesus on that cross so if I was there would I be yelling crucify him with the crowds?  Always something to think about.  Just another reminder how quickly Jesus week turned.

Yesterday, was Holy Thursday.  This mass is my favorite mass out of the whole year.  We celebrate the passover meal.  The last supper with Jesus.  We are taught to wash others feet just like Jesus did for his disciples that evening.  He gives us one last reminder that our lives on earth should be in service of others therefore we are serving him.  Jesus broke bread with his followers and demonstrated what he wants us to do.  It's really the birth of the eucharist which is the gift that we have the blessing of receiving as a result of Jesus sacrifice. We then walk with Jesus to the garden of Gethsemane for a time of adoration and prayer with Jesus.  It is here that Jesus, with agony, begins his surrendering to God's will.

Today, the passion of our Lord.  Jesus is crucified. He died for our sins.  He gave up his life for mine.  The significance of that is sometimes so heavy to process.  Sometimes it's so hard to look at the cross and then look within to truly face the reality.  Today, I challenge you, to look.  Take it all in.  Don't think ahead to Easter and pretty dresses and celebrations.  Sit for a moment in the dark and reflect on what Jesus has done.

How are you spending time with the Lord this Holy Week?

It's Been Two Years

I love reflecting on life.  My favorite past time is taking pictures so I can look back through them and cherish the memories of those moments captured in time.  I have tons of scrapbooks taking up space in my hall closet full of smiles, adventures, and bad hair days haha.

We don't really take photos and craft a cute scrapbook about the tough stuff in life.  Those are the days where the camera is collecting dust on the shelf.  Tears are typically shed.  Prayers are uttered in quiet rooms for some relief.

It's been two years exactly [as of yesterday] that I had a pretty scary situation.  I haven't really shared my story or my thoughts on it besides conversations with close friends, but I felt like it was time to reflect on how that moment changed the course of my life.

On April fools day, two years ago, I woke up with the most intense pain ever.  I ran through all sorts of scary thoughts in my head wondering what the heck was wrong with me.  I called my mom in tears on the bathroom floor hoping for the pain to pass and it never did.  Then I started texting and calling all of my grad school friends - I needed a ride to the ER. asap. Something just wasn't right in my body. After a day in the ER, feeling terrified undergoing tests and ultrasounds but no one really saying anything to me.  I could just read on the doctors and technicians faces that whatever was going on was unusual.  I was so scared because I truly had no idea and neither did they.  I ended up getting discharged with an appointment to see an ob/ gyn the next day.

My doctor was very kind and walked me through everything.  She said I had a dermoid cyst on my uterus that was very large and she wanted to operate as soon as possible.  We scheduled the surgery - me wide eyed - wondering how something so big could just be hanging out inside me with out me knowing.  My parents made arrangements to come stay with me the next week and we got a friend to take care of my dog while I was recovering and then I just waited for the big day.

The day of surgery is a blur.  Anesthesia and pain meds will do that to you.  Apparently, I sent my sister some very flattering snap chat selfies that she took screenshots of.  I guarantee those will make an appearance at a very opportune moment for humiliation purposes.

I do remember my doctor coming in and checking on me. She explained that when they made the cut the doctors realized that I didn't have a dermoid cyst, I had a fibroid tumor that was way larger than originally anticipated.  They had to extend my incision to ensure they could take the whole thing out.  This was only supposed to be an out patient surgery but because of the unexpected fibroid inside of me I had to stay overnight.

The fibroid was benign, praise God, but it still made a huge impact on my life.  I am left with a reminder of the fear, anxiety, and unknown every single day since I have a 5 inch almost c-section like scar on my stomach.  My recovery was hard.  The week before I was in the ER I had just run a race with a bunch of friends.  Now, I was being told not to work out and take it easy.  I could barely walk to classes.  I had to take a month off of work as a server.

Moments like these aren't in the scrapbooks.  They are burned into our brain remembering every feeling, every thought, every moment.  I resolved to always be brave.  To take risks.  To live my life to the fullest. To do things that make my heart happy way more often.  I made a commitment to be even healthier and take care of my body.  The human body is an incredible thing and we only get one of them.  I am proud to say that I was able to recover and run my first half marathon by the end of that summer.  What an incredible emotional experience that was, knowing that months earlier I was in the hospital, but my body was able to run 13.1 miles in the mountains.

Sometimes I am struck by the fear of asking myself - what if it happens again?  Then I remember how blessed I have been in the past 2 years.  All of the things I have accomplished.  The relationships with people I love that have only gotten deeper and stronger as a result.  I am so thankful that God teaches me little lessons every day about how amazing this life truly is.  My tough moment isn't in a scrapbook, it doesn't have to be, I carry the scar with me, but I learn from it every single day.

What has been a pivotal moment in your history? 

Lenten Reflections | Week 5

This is the last week of lent.  Next week is holy week.  We have been preparing for this upcoming week for five whole weeks.  Doing this series has made me be a little more intentional in my devotions and streamlined my journaling process as well.  Writing helps me really understand what is going on in my head.  Plus, bloggers have an incredible platform to take risks, be brave, and share our faith.

This week has been an interesting week in the readings.  Jesus is continuing to make waves in his travels and miracles.  One thing I have noticed though is that the people that are against him already have faith.  They have faith in the Jewish tradition.  They are clinging to their truth in the old testament.  Their belief for so long has been that this radical king was coming to save him.  Then when he is right in front of their eyes - they can't see - they don't believe.

The people though whose lives are changed, who believe, who are going out and spreading the word about what they heard and saw; these people had no faith before or believed in something completely different than the Jews.

This got me thinking about the church today.  I have always cried such ugly tears when people share their amazing testimony.  The greatest testimonies and most evangelical believers seem to be those who have gone through the most intense hardship and struggle in their lives.  Their stories are moving, completely 100% life changing, heart stopping, full of love, devotion, transformation, and worship.  Then I pause.  My testimony looks nothing like that.

I am a cradle catholic, raised in the faith from birth by the most incredible, faithful, loving parents.  I grew up memorizing prayers, reading the bible, saying the rosary, lighting advent candles, going to church every Sunday + holy days.  My family in NC is made up of people my parents met through church, since our blood family all reside such great distances away.  Most friends I know who grew up in the church have since drifted away too.  A sad reality in our current world.

I question if Jesus were right in front of me like he was to the Jews would I be willing to surrender all my history to follow him? The people in the bible who dropped everything, those who share their stories and alter their course of their life - they did and do every single day.

Just because I was raised in faith doesn't mean that Jesus hasn't done his fair share of molding and changing me within but thinking about the Pharisees has me thinking.  I want to choose Jesus over everything else. I want to believe when I see him right in front of me.  I want to be willing to surrender it all for His transformation of my life.

How has surrendering altered the course of your life?

Lenten Reflections | Week 4

It's week four of lent and there is one more week of lent before holy week after this. It feels like Jesus knows that too with the readings of this past week.  He is getting more bold in his miracles.  He is breaking more rules, and heaven forbid, healing people on the Sabbath day which is like a huge no, no.

In case you are curious what I am talking about when I say readings: I follow the Catholic church calendar of the liturgical readings.  There is an old testament passage, a psalm, and a gospel [Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John] passage every single day - then on Sundays there is another reading added in to that mix, which is typically a new testament letter - just depends.  As Catholics there is a calendar put out by the church that says which readings will be used for every single day.  We read through the whole bible in a 3 year cycle.  You can check out and follow along with the readings from the Word and the devotional I follow here.

Anyway, back to Jesus healing people but causing major issues with the temple.  You would think people would be like wow this guy is so great.  That blind man can see, that crippled guy is no longer ill, that woman's sins have been forgiven and she feels loved. But No.  Their lenses are so foggy and focused on the fact that he did some stuff on Sabbath or some other things he just plain did but wasn''t supposed to do at all [like talk to a woman].

In grad school, my professors would preach self care to us, often.  One metaphor they used to describe why it was necessary was cleaning the lenses of our glasses.  If you are going about your life so focused on your own crap that is blocking your vision, then how will you be able to sit fully present with someone who has something go on? You simply can't.  You will judge them based on your own bias.  You will say something harsh because you are triggered.  You won't be able to really see the situation for what it is.  You won't be the kind of person who has unconditional positive regard for others.  If you don't take care of yourself you are walking around the world with dirty glasses because self care is how we clear all that gunk away.

The pharisees didn't take time to clear their lenses. They were so focused on the fact that Jesus broke a few rules to clearly see that he was healing people and performing miracles.  They were so down in their crap that they judged harshly.  They said some nasty stuff.  They wanted him killed.  Killed for being the kindest most loving person ever.  Ugh.

This week.  Let's focus on taking care of ourselves and being kind to ourselves.  Clear the lenses so that we can see the world and all the wonderful things that are happening around us.

Lenten Reflections | Week 3

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have not come to abolish but to fulfill."  - Matthew 5:17

This week has been a strange week.  For one it has been a week of deep reflection and refocusing on my part.  But, on the other hand, school has been crazy as ever.  Spring break for my school is 11 school days with kids and 2 work days away [but whose counting].   Let's just say it has been a week full of ups and downs and it's only Wednesday.  

Jesus is really preparing us for why he is here.  He is preaching more than ever and trying to clear up as much confusion as possible with his disciples in his short time left.  The readings this week are all about forgiveness, grace, unrelenting love, sin, following, and breaking the rules.  

My goal for lent was to really break the habit of negative self talk.  One of the readings this past week was the gospel on the prodigal son.  I actually find myself connecting with the older brother in this parable Jesus tells us. Sometimes I feel like I am always doing the right thing.  I try so hard each and every day to follow the rules and be a good person.  Then I see other people who I know have messed up so much get praise, rewards, and really cool stuff and I feel defeated.  Like I did something wrong.  I question why I don't get noticed and recognized just like the older brother in the story.  His questioning his father resonates with me. 

I realized that this spirals my negative self talk for myself.  Seeing what other people receive, or have, or do starts that questioning in my mind of why.  "I do the right things. Why not me?"  

Then the next days readings Jesus talked to the Samaritan women.  Something he was not supposed to do at all in his time.   He broke all the rules out of love.  He got recognized in the most cruel way ever shortly after these conversations took place with the woman at the well.  

Sometimes we don't need to get rewards or freebees or compliments because we have the love of Jesus with us always.  He forgives.  He gives us grace every single day.  He loves because he is love.  Not because I deserve it at all.  

So this week I am delving deeper into why I do what I do in the first place.  I have been truly realizing why it's such a blessing to be conscious of how my mind works.  It has been my grace to be kind to myself to be able to give and receive love. 

What is the Word teaching you this week during lent?

Lenten Reflections | Week 2

Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. -Matthew 20:28

We are in the midst of week 2 in lent.  The readings this week are all about preparing us for what Jesus' true purpose is on this earth.  He is preparing us for the suffering that we have to endure - that He has to endure in order to truly fulfill what He was sent on this earth to accomplish.  We don't always know His plan for our life but surrendering is so much better than our own plan.  

Surrendering doesn't come without pain though.  Lent is hard.  The reminder of suffering and service is hard.  Giving up things is hard. But we can be comforted by the fact that Jesus truly knows what it means to serve, to give, and to sacrifice.  He has been there too.  He prepared us for this fact. 

I decided to give up a few things for lent which you can read about in this post: here.  I have to say this week has been one of my best weeks yet.  I find myself being more productive because I am not mindlessly using social media.  I also am more mindful of how I speak to myself.  I have to admit I catch myself being negative but then instantly reframe what I am conveying.  It has seriously made all the difference.  The subtle changes within me has lead to better days in general.  

So, all that to say.  Giving up during lent isn't just about breaking a bad habit or not drinking soda [but by all means if those things are toxic to your life; do it!] Lent is about putting us on a walk with Jesus.  The walk of his very last words to us before he was placed on the cross.  He is teaching us something every single day during this 40 day season - we just need to be open to it.  

How is your lenten season going so far? What is this journey teaching you? 

Lenten Reflections | Week 1

If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 

- Luke 9:23 

Surrendering means letting go of self in favor of something so much better.  Sometimes we get so caught up in control and crossing things off of our to-do lists to find a sense of purpose. Trusting him even in the hard times.  Trusting that God's plan is better than our own.  

Even if we cognitively believe that, maybe even have lived through a couple of wonderful experiences where you just felt and knew God's sovereignty, every day life clouds that and causes us to follow our own wants and wishes instead of His. 

Lent is a time where we take a good hard look at ourselves and whatever that crutch is that we keep holding on to which prevents us from fully surrendering and following Jesus.  It took me a lot of journaling and prayer time to figure out what my thing was.  Typically the tradition is you give up something for lent.  You give up what is holding you back from surrendering.  I wanted to use this season to stray true to my blogs name and live my life in surrender. 

This lent I am giving up negative self talk.  In it's place I am trying to focus on the positive and do something small every day for me. I need to listen to my body and give it what it needs.  Instead of beating myself up for taking time to rest when there is still so much to do- changing my language and telling myself it's okay taking care of myself means resting when I am tired and everything will still get done.

I also want to be more intentional with my time spent on social media.  I have noticed that I use it as a time killer or just a crutch in a situation where I am waiting for someone.  It is so unnecessary and I can't help but wonder what am I missing by doing this.  For example; let's say I am waiting for a yoga class to start - instead of scrolling through instagram - I can put my phone away, strike up a conversation, make a new friend, prepare myself for the class and notice the world around me.

Be Kind.  Be Present.  See what happens. 

What are you doing this lenten season? 

You Are Not the Number of Followers You Have.

Sweet friends, these words I share today were put on my heart to share with all of you in the hopes that you will read some truth and be encouraged. I am fairly new to this blogging / social media for your blog world.   Already, I have noticed a few things.

People seem to want validation through the number of followers and likes that they have. This is evident by the follow you, so you follow back, then I unfollow because I am not interested in you or your content but only the number of followers attached to my name. I too, fall victim to this.  Just the other day, I was exclaiming, with joy and excitement, the number of followers I have seemed to gain in a short amount of time.

But sisters, we are so much more than the number of followers we have.  We are so much more than being defeated because someone else has more followers or their images are always styled just so.  We have the genuine opportunity to share our lives with other women and to build an authentic community.

The ever so common quote "comparison is the thief of joy" speaks so much truth.  Yet, it's even more than that.  When we compare our blogs to hers, our instagram feeds to hers, our lives to hers, we are turning away from the plan that God has laid out for us.  God has a special and unique plan for each and everyone of us because He loves us. He wants the best for us.  Comparison has us lose sight of God's unique and beautiful plan for our own life.

He sees us and knows us so deeply and so intimately. He created us in the image and likeness of him.  So with that knowledge why are we not trusting him with His plan for our life?

This is not to say that growing your business and side hustle are not goals we should have.  By all means.  That is my goal too.  Yet, my mindset is shifted.  I want growth authentically.  I want to build relationships.  I want to share my passions and my heart.  I want to genuinely love God and what I am doing here on this blog & social media.  I want to follow people who are encouraging and share their hearts as well.  I want my feed to be filled with positivity.  Most of all I want to follow His plan for MY life.

My life is not hers and that is okay.  I can see small glimpses of Gods plan for my life when I practice gratitude. God shows himself to me when I am very intentional about being present in the moments that I get to have.

You are worth so much more.  

Goals for 2017

I had every intention of writing this whole post on my goals.  I was going to share a list of the things I want to accomplish for this fresh new year and just leave it at that.  A public display of what my intentions are so that the internet can hold me accountable for reaching my goals. Then I read my devotion this morning and spent a good amount of time journaling and listening.

I revisited my list of goals for this year and had to ask myself a harsh question: What are the intentions behind my goals?  Are they to bring me glory or to bring Glory to God? What would be the benefit be for accomplishing my list of things to do for this year? I realized that all my goals had on thing in common; me and only me.

If I truly want to be authentic and really live out the name of my blog I need to spend more time listening to the nudges of my heart that God places upon me. I know, cognitively, that life lived in surrender to God truly means freedom but do my goals for this year reflect that? I realized that I can still keep my goals but they need a little bit of reframing.

So I am not going to share my list of goals today but I will say this my ultimate goal now is to bring Glory to God through my blog, my health habits, my hobbies, and my relationships by listening.  Listening to the words that God places on my heart to share through this platform I have.  Listen to my body and fuel it properly with good whole foods and exercise.  Listen to or rather focus on the hobbies that fuel my passions and creative mind.  And listen to the people around me, what they are truly saying, and take intentional, authentic action from there to be a good friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, and counselor.

What are your goals for 2017?

Finding Joy Despite Struggle

One of the lessons that I have had to learn this semester is gratitude.  Being grateful for who I am with what I have in this moment.  God has been slowly working on my heart during our early morning prayer sessions.  I come to Him sleepy eyed, coffee in hand, and open the Word and give my day to him.

Then, as my day progresses, I seem to put Him second.  I know that I shouldn't but it happens more often than now. His teaching and lessons are pushed aside for the world.  I get sucked into the comparison game and then I feel like I am not good enough.  I forget about letting God and try to solve all these problems by myself.

This semester I moved out completely on my own.  I had been on my own - back to my parents- on my own - grad school - but I always had a cushion somehow.  Now it's real. Financially I have had a rough few months.  I am thriving within my budget but sometimes that word [budget] is so so hard to live with.  I see my friends going out and doing such fun [but very expensive] things and then I get upset.  I forget about the slow teachings early in the morning with Jesus and coffee about how He has always provided.  This semester is more about me figuring out who I am, what my passions are, and surrendering it all to His will.

Slowly, I am learning that it's okay that my apartment isn't pinterest worthy at this moment.  I am learning how to search for deals.  I am learning to make friend fun nights by going to free workout classes or cooking dinner together.  I am learning to explore my city by just walking around with the dog.  I am learning that I can be happy despite what I might be struggling with at the moment.  God is always there. Always teaching. Always providing.  He is way more than enough.

What are you learning in the tough seasons?